When two individuals are enamored, their relationship transforms into a secret domain, where traumas, childhood experiences and secrets are shared in the hopes of being accepted and understood by their significant other.
With time, partners become a secure haven for comprehending and introspection of our troubles, insecurities, and anxieties. But what if this inadvertently results in putting the weight of healing on them?
On one hand, you want to be open and honest with your partner, but on the other hand, you want to protect your personal life and keep some things to yourself. This delicate balance can be hard to achieve, but it’s necessary for a healthy relationship.
In this article, we delve into the advantages of late-night pillow talks versus therapy sessions, the creation of healthy boundaries for sharing in relationships and how to establish a dynamic of reciprocal and wholesome love.
The Reason Behind Sharing in Relationships
Sharing is an act of intimacy, where one feels secure enough in the relationship to be honest about their thoughts and feelings. It is a form of building a connection and seeking acknowledgment. When two individuals are building a life together, the relationship is often established on emotional vulnerability and honesty. The more we know about our partner, the more we understand how to love and appreciate them. A study from 2019 on attachment in young adults found that sharing is a form of intimacy that is used to discover oneself in a relationship and lay the foundation for a strong and lasting connection.
Healthy disclosure can lead to higher perceptions of closeness, thereby strengthening the relationship. When someone gains access to our innermost thoughts and feelings, the walls come down and the intimacy can grow into one that can handle individual and mutual problems together.
It is comforting to have someone there for full emotional expression. However, there is a fine line between sharing childhood traumas to learn about our problems and burdening the relationship with excessive caretaking or potential resentment.
Why Can’t Our Partner Be Our Therapist?
Let’s examine the responsibilities of a romantic partner in a relationship. The hallmark of a healthy relationship involves responsiveness, support, listening, care, understanding, communication, love, value, and presence. Emotional availability could also mean being sensitive to needs, navigating life’s ups and downs, and engaging in healthy conflict resolution to strengthen intimate bonds. This creates a nourishing love with clear limits.
Healthy Support Comes in Many Forms
When we care for our partner, we have a vested interest in helping them through their trials and tribulations. But this very desire can inadvertently shift the interdependent relationship into a codependent one, which negates the growth benefits of therapy and may have negative consequences.
Our partners often know us better than anyone else. They know our family dynamics, past experiences, worries, goals, and dreams. We lean on them for support. But they can’t be our therapist.
Trying to put our partners in this role can end up hurting us and having a lasting negative impact on the relationship. The indicators that a partner might need to go to therapy are:
- feeling burdened
- not knowing how to help
- the pressure to help is triggering
- the relationship feels imbalanced
- our needs are not being met
Our partners are often privy to our innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences, but they can’t be our sole source of support. A study on emotional resilience found that having access to a rich and functional social network, including friends and family, can lead to reduced stress and improved mood disorders.
Why Therapy is Beneficial
To be an effective source of support, it’s crucial to understand what the partner needs in the moment. Sometimes a partner just wants a space to vent and complain without needing solutions. If the partner starts offering unsolicited advice, the other partner may become upset or dissatisfied since they are seeking emotional support rather than a solution to a problem.
The therapeutic relationship is professional and one-sided, allowing the patient to receive focused and objective care. A therapist has the training, education, and experience to co-create a treatment plan and provide new perspectives, tools, and practices for healthy and sustainable change.
A romantic partner may have the best intentions, but they may not have the necessary knowledge, skillset, or capacity to help at the level required. A therapist, on the other hand, is solely focused on the growth and healing of their client.
Partners Cannot be Everything
When someone is listening to their partner navigate a problem, they may want to offer solutions to alleviate their pain. However, this problem-solving approach can blur the lines of their role as a partner. They may have their own opinions and emotions that impact their advice, or they may feel uncomfortable expressing their true emotions, which can feel like a betrayal. In some cases, the supportive partner may feel emotionally neglected as the other partner’s problems consume the relationship.
Although the help may be given out of love, excessive support can disempower the partner from examining their own thoughts and emotions, hindering their growth and the goal of therapy.
Indicators of Over-Reliance on Partner as Therapist
Determining if you are using your partner as a therapist instead of relying on them as a support system can be challenging. However, here are several warning signs to watch out for:
- Emotional Avoidance: When the intensity of caregiving becomes too much, it can lead to overwhelming emotions and avoidance of each other. One or both partners may withdraw to protect their mental health.
- Boundary Overstepping: Sharing too much with your partner can give them access to your emotional world, thoughts, time, and physical space, which can come at the expense of your autonomy and individuality. It’s essential to maintain healthy boundaries in a relationship to prevent trauma dumping.
- Pressure on Partner: to Fix Issues Relying on your partner for emotional processing can place immense pressure on them to fix things, leading to resentment. A partner is not trained in mental health counseling, and even if they were, they cannot be impartial.
- Mental Health Concerns: Venting to a partner about deep emotional experiences can fill the relationship with negative emotions. If you are going to discuss such topics, make it constructive and focus on finding healthy solutions. If the experience is causing trauma flashbacks, it’s time to seek professional support.
Balancing Health in Relationships
Struggling with what to keep private and what to reveal to a partner can be challenging. Define boundaries by clarifying what is crucial to share, including personal limits, requirements, expectations, and any history that one feels at ease discussing.
For other matters, offer supportive guidance without instantly shifting into problem-solving mode. Empowe the partner to address their problems by asking questions that place responsibility on them. This may involve simply listening and inquiring about their desired course of action or asking how best to support them as they weigh their options.
Establishing Limits and Sharing Discreetly
That it is not a personal failing if one feels unable to assist their partner in the manner they need.
“Boundaries foster healthy intimacy in relationships. Not every secret, aspiration, or experience needs to be shared.”
If the aid being offered feels codependent, express love and suggest that a professional may be better equipped to help. Offering to assist in finding someone or even accompanying them to the first session can also make them feel more supported.
Final thoughts
It’s okay to empathize with your partner when they are struggling, but it’s essential to seek professional support when the situation becomes too intense or complex. A licensed psychologist can provide the focused and objective care needed to help you transform your experiences into healthier coping strategies.
